The Love Triangle of Death
by Arsaem
Summary: Because Mordred and Arthur won't stop fighting over her, and Merlyn just really wants to be left alone. Features: fem!Merlin, one-sided Merthur, one-sided Merdred, and much shenanigans!
1. It All Comes Down to a Girl

**I normally don't like genderbent stories, but something about a female Merlin really appeals to me. Also, the idea of Merlin (or Merlyn) being stuck in an unwanted love triangle is very amusing. If you are a Merthur or a Merdred shipper, then this is not the story for you.**

 **Edited on 6/25/2018**

* * *

 **It All Comes Down to a Girl**

So Merlyn was very confused. The entire trip back home was spent pondering this new mystery. Well, that and ignoring Mordred. And trying not to go insane. But, back to her confusion. So here's the deal: Merlyn enters cave. Said cave has nearly dead Druid in it. Said Druid shows her a vision of a mysterious dark haired fellow killing Arthur (she rather thought that she'd look something like that if she were born a boy). And then said mysterious dark haired fellow suddenly turns up, revealing himself to be Mordred, the boy who everyone and her mother seemed to be warning her about (and by mother, she means the dragon Kilgharrah). But that's not the confusing part. The confusing part was that Mordred decided to backstab Morgana (literally) and save Arthur (and her too, after he got the king to safety he raced back to get her only to find her with a glowing alien thing). So, the question of the hour was this: if Mordred is destined to kill Arthur, why did he save him? Question two of the hour was: and why won't he shut up?

"Emrys? Emrys? Emrys, are you mad at me? Please talk to me, Emrys. Emrys, did I do something wrong? I saved Arthur, Emrys, I thought that was what you wanted. Are you upset I left you alone while I got Arthur to safety? I'm really sorry about that, I wanted to get you first, but I didn't want to be suspicious. Emrys?"

Hence the ignoring part. Nobody else knew what was going on, of course, because Mordred was speaking telepathically. Gwaine seemed to have noticed the twitch Merlyn got in her left eye after the second hour, however, and was now trying to figure out what was bugging her.

After the third hour, Merlyn finally snapped. In a dangerously calm voice, she thought, "Mordred?"

"Yes, Emrys?" And dear god, he sounded like an excited puppy.

"Shut. Up." Merlyn gave everyone a thorough glare the rest of the day, and Mordred went from being an excited puppy to a kicked one.

When they finally got back to Camelot, Arthur made Mordred a knight. Merlyn simply narrowed her eyes at him and glared suspiciously. He was destined to kill Arthur one day, and she didn't trust him in any way, shape, or form.

Unfortunately, that didn't impede him in one bit. Everywhere she went, he always seemed to be there, trying to talk to her, trying to figure out why she didn't trust him. She had to find a spell to block him from her mind because he wouldn't stop speaking to her telepathically at all hours of the day. It wasn't until Merlyn had vented her frustrations to Gwen that she finally realized what was going on.

"Oh my, you really are oblivious, aren't you?" Gwen asked with a laugh. "The same thing happened with Arthur!"

"What are you talking about?" Merlyn asked.

"Well, it's obvious that Mordred likes you," Gwen replied. "He probably has some sort of attachment from when you saved him all those years ago."

Merlyn's eye twitched. "So how do I get him to leave me alone?"

Gwen shrugged. "How did you get Arthur to leave you alone?"

"I hit him on the head and called him a prat. And even that hasn't worked so well."

The serving girl chuckled. "Well, maybe you can just try explaining to him that you're not interested."

Merlyn nodded. "That might work."

It did not work. If anything, it only made Mordred more insistent. And, unfortunately, Gwen wasn't the only one who noticed.

"Mordred seems very fond of you," Arthur said one day while Merlyn was cleaning his chambers.

Not liking where this was going, Merlyn answered, "He likes you, as well. I think he has a sort of attachment to us from when we saved him all those years ago." She didn't bother with mentioning that Gwen said that first.

"That's not what I meant," Arthur pressed. "He likes you."

Merlyn shrugged. "He's a young boy just barely out of his teen years. Who knows how long he was with those bandits. I was probably the first girl he's seen in awhile, so it was either me or Morgana, and, well…" The 'Morgana's insane' bit was left unsaid.

"It's inappropriate," Arthur growled.

"How so?" Merlyn asked, slightly amused.

"You're five years his senior!"

"Four, actually," Merlyn corrected him. "And you're four years my senior. But you don't seem to have a problem with that."

"It's not the same," Arthur grunted, looking very put out.

"Yeah, it kinda is," Merlyn retorted. She finished up and left after that, not keen on dealing with a jealous Arthur at the moment. He really needed to get over her. Maybe marry Gwen. Poor girl's been horribly lonely since Lancelot died. She and Arthur would be good for each other.

Of course, Merlyn couldn't keep this up forever. She was walking down the corridor when a hand suddenly shot out and grabbed her arm, pulling her into an empty chamber. And there was Mordred. He did not look pleased.

Merlyn heaved a dramatic sigh. "I thought we've been over this. I just don't like you that way, and you really need to-"

"That's not it," Mordred cut in, glaring at her. "I want to know why you don't trust me. Everyone else does, and they all know that I was once a Druid. Hell, even Arthur does, though he's been giving me a lot of these death glares lately…"

Merlyn sighed again, this time a bit regretful rather than annoyed. She wanted to like Mordred (not in that way, just in the general, friendly way one feels towards a person who is trying very hard to make her, at the very least, not hate him). He was, despite her doubts, a rather sweet boy. He had eventually gotten the hint and toned back on the stalking (okay, he wasn't really stalking, but it was about one or two steps below that), and he didn't get her flowers anymore. He was friendly with the other knights, and so far a decent warrior even without magic. All in all, not a bad fellow.

Except for the whole 'destined to kill Arthur' thing. But see, that was the whole problem here.

"Alright," she heaved. "You really wanna know why I don't trust you?"

"Yes!" he answered loudly, crossing his arms and looking at her expectantly.

"You sure? 'Cause you're not gonna like it."

"I don't care," he replied. "Whatever it takes to earn your trust, I'll do it."

Merlyn sighed, yet again (she'd been doing a lot of that lately). "Okay. I don't trust you because a dragon told me it was your destiny to kill Arthur. I also don't trust you because a Druid actually showed me a vision of you killing Arthur. And I don't trust you because you have a strange sort of bond with Morgana. But mostly the first two reasons, which is sort of one reason. But it's a very good reason," she insisted, not really noticing the growing horror on Mordred's face.

"It's my destiny to kill Arthur?" he cried, taking a step back and clutching a hand to his chest. "But...but…"

"Oh…" Merlyn frowned at him. "You didn't know."

"How could I have possibly known that?" Mordred demanded, glaring at her.

"Well, I kind of assumed that it was your nefarious plan to get close to Arthur and then kill him, so, yeah…"

"Well, I'm not going to kill him!" Mordred declared boldly.

"Yes, and once upon a time I thought that Morgana could never turn into a psycho murderer sorceress yet here we are," Merlyn answered with a shrug.

"So you're just writing me off, even though I haven't done anything yet?" Mordred demanded. "Can't we stop this?"

Merlyn held her hands up in apology. "Look, buddy, I've tried changing destiny before, I really have. I always just ended up making sure it happened. So I don't try to change the future anymore. I just do whatever I can to make sure the bad futures don't happen."

Mordred shook his head. "That's not any different."

"It's different," Merlyn insisted. And then she noticed the dejected, horror-ridden look on the poor boy's face and attempted to comfort. "Um...there, there... I'm sure you won't kill Arthur...I hope," she added in a mutter to herself. "Just so long as he doesn't do anything to make you bitter and angry or you don't do anything to make him bitter and angry and...oh…"

"What?" Mordred asked, trying to move closer for a hug, but Merlyn wasn't having it.

"Oh," she repeated. It all made sense now. "I'm caught in the love triangle of death. Literally." She shook her head and turned back to Mordred. "Look, I know you're probably jealous of Arthur, but that's no reason to kill him."

Mordred's brow furrowed. "Why would I be jealous of Arthur?"

Merlyn, being the idiot she was, replied, "Well, 'cause, he's in love with me. And you-"

"What?!" Merlyn realized a moment too late that she shouldn't of said anything at all. "He what?!" Mordred's eyes were blazing, and suddenly he understood everything. All those angry looks Arthur was sending him...those times when he'd sling an arm around Merlyn's shoulders and then give him a look. "Well, if that's how it's gonna be," he stated in a deadly serious voice. Abruptly, he turned and marched out of the room, fully intending to face Arthur right then and there.

"Wait!" Merlyn called after him and following him out into the corridor. "Killing him won't fix anything, I don't like either of you! At least not like that!" Mordred wasn't listening as he rounded the corner, eyes set on Arthur's chambers. After realizing he went the wrong way, he promptly whirled around and marched in the other direction. Merlyn let out a groan and grumbled, "See, this is why I don't try to change destiny!"

* * *

 **I've seen a few stories out there with a love triangle between Merlin, Mordred, and Arthur so this is my take on it. Chapter two features: Uther returning from the dead and is disappointed by what he finds.**


	2. Dead Men Tell No Tales

**And the crazy train continues. This is, personally, probably my favorite chapter (there's six in total). I really liked writing Uther, especially since he's probably the least insane character here. Besides Merlyn, of course.**

* * *

 **Dead Men Tell No Tales**

Uther was positively gleeful. Finally, after being dead for nearly four years, he could finally come back and exact his revenge! Okay, so it was less revenge and more just messing with all the people he didn't like, namely that Merlyn girl his fool of a son fell in love with. He also went after the commoners who were given a knighthood, and nearly managed to kill the large one. Unfortunately, he moved at the last second and simply got caught on the arm. He was patched up and sent on his merry way.

After that incident, Uther went back to harassing Merlyn. She knew he was there. Kept calling out insults and saying things like, "Oh for god's sake, you're dead! Can't you just stay dead, you bloody tyrant!"

Uther only sneered at her. "I'll never understand how my son managed to fall in love with a wench like you!" He knew he couldn't hear her, but it was satisfying to say. Even if she didn't return Arthur's affections. That in itself was another insult. "Off with your head!"

She ducked as he sent a knife flying her way, imbedding itself into the wall. Sighing dramatically, she waltzed down the corridors, dodging things as he threw them at her. He was getting increasingly more frustrated and set fire to a nearby tapestry.

"Oh, come on!" Merlyn groaned, glaring at the orange flames. "Killing me isn't enough, you want to burn down your whole castle too? Guard!"

A guard appeared from seemingly nowhere, panting lightly. "Yes Miss Merlyn?" he asked, looking eager to please.

"Put out that fire, would you?" Merlyn asked sweetly. She waved at the empty space where she assumed her troublesome ghost was and said, "C'mon Uther. Let's go chat with your son."

The guard looked at her like she was crazy, but did as she was asked. When a nearby bench decided to fly up and try to hit her...well, he'd just pretend he didn't see anything.

Uther didn't mind following Merlyn to find his son. Arthur needed to be taught a lesson, needed to be shown how terribly he was ruling this kingdom. So what if the people loved him, relations with neighboring kingdoms were well, and their commerce had risen? He let bloody peasants become knights! That was not acceptable! And he fell in love with a commoner!

They passed by a serving girl who didn't seem to mind that things kept flying at Merlyn's head, trying to kill her. "Hello Gwen!" Merlyn greeted cheerfully, ducking as a pan tried to knock her out. "Have you seen Arthur?"

Gwen had to jump out of the way when a suit of armor tried to crush them both. "Well, I thought he was in his chambers," she answered.

"Hm, good," Merlyn decided. "Thanks Gwen!" She turned to march away, catching the pot about to crash into her stomach and setting it on the ground.

"Oh, and Merlyn!" Gwen called, just remembering. "I also passed by Mordred earlier. He said something about challenging Arthur to a duel to the death?" She shrugged, as if this were simply an everyday occurrence in Camelot. Which it kind of was. "He looked pretty angry."

Merlyn scrunched up her face into a frown. "Right, that whole thing," she groaned, leaning to the side to avoid the spear racing towards her. "Well Uther, we best be off then!  
Before Arthur kills Mordred. Or Mordred kills Arthur. Hm, maybe I should be placing bets…" Gwen was already walking away when she shouted, "Hey Gwen! Who would win in a fight, Mordred or Arthur?"

"Well, Arthur's the better swordsman," Gwen called back. "But I feel like Mordred might have an unfair advantage," she added, not at all alluding to the fact that he was a Druid and could very well have magic.

"Hm, good points, good points," Merlyn concluded, resuming her walk. "What do you think, Uther? Hit the wall once for Arthur, twice for Mordred." He replied by trying to slam the door in her face.

Merlyn skipped her way along to the royal chambers, Uther still following behind her. Just before entering, he showed himself, revealing his ghostly form and prompting Merlyn to take a step back. "Well, look who finally decided to show up," she drawled. "Now let's take care of your unfinished business and be on our way, shall we?" He glowered at her while she opened the doors, revealing…

Well, that was quite a sight.

Arthur had Mordred in a headlock, eyes blazed with fury as he growled, "You stay away from her! She's mine!"

Mordred managed to get his arms around Arthur's legs and flipped him over, landing him on his back. "She rejected you," he reminded him. "Now it's my turn." They continued fighting, not even bothering with the fact that the girl in question and Arthur's dead father had entered the room.

Merlyn sighed and shook her head. "See Uther, this is why I don't mess with destiny. I stay silent, hoping to prevent it? Ends up being the thing that makes Morgana go insane. I don't stay silent, thinking that this time I learned my lesson? Accidentally make Mordred hate Arthur. Try to change it? End up making sure it comes true. Don't try to change it? Well, then, there's nothing to stop it from happening. Don't try to mess with Destiny. Destiny will win. And he'll do it smirking like the pompous ass he is."

"W-what is going on here?" Uther breathed, looking utterly bewildered as his son degraded himself to hitting some boy with a pillow. A pillow! And then the boy picked up another pillow, and they were having an honest-to-god pillow fight! Of course, they still looked like they wanted to murder each other…

"Destiny, Uther," Merlyn answered. "And chicken," she noted as a drumstick flew across the room. She paused for a second as Arthur and Mordred's enraged insults shot back at each other, before she called out, "Just so you guys know, I am not in love with either of you!" Arthur drop kicked Mordred against the wall and he retaliated by using a chair like a battering ram. "This is pointless!" Still, they ignored her. Merlyn sighed and turned to Uther. "Maybe you can get through to them? They're acting like...well, they're acting like two boys fighting over a girl. Pitiful, isn't it?"

Uther, finally managing to pull himself together enough to do something about this, marched forward. "Arthur Pendragon!" he snapped, earning his son's attention. The other boy-Mordred?-turned as well, still with murder in his eyes. "What is the meaning of this? I come back from death itself to find you have knighted commoners, and fallen in love with peasants? And now, you act like a petulant child and-"

"Look, Father," Arthur cut in. "I'm sure this is all important, but I'm kinda in the middle of something right now." With that, he used the plate he was holding to hit Mordred in the face. In return, Mordred smashed a vase against his head. And the fighting continued.

"Y'know," Merlyn commented, "I'm not sure whether I should respect you for putting up with that-" she gestured to Arthur, "for 25 years, or just blame you for your complete incompetence as a parent, resulting in that."

Uther glowered at her. "Why you little-" The next several words to come from his lips were certainly not appropriate to repeat, even in writing, and possibly not wholly English. He launched himself at her, remembered he was a ghost, then immediately started throwing everything at the room towards her head. It was this, of course, that got Arthur and Mordred's attention.

"Did he just try to hurt Merlyn?"

"I think he did."

"That's not acceptable."

"Not acceptable at all."

"I think we need to kill him."

"He's already dead...also, he's your father."

"If he's already dead, then why does it matter?"

"...Good point."

Uther, of course, was a ghost, and couldn't exactly be harmed by either his son or the boy, but then they discovered that, as a ghost, he had a certain weakness for iron...as well as salt. Arthur and Mordred then proceeded to go Supernatural on him, and if shotguns filled with salt rounds suddenly entered the mix, well, everyone was too busy to notice. Merlyn sat of to the side, munching on popcorn, occasionally cheering one or both of them on. Good fun.

"This is madness!" Uther cried. "I am the king!"

"Madness?" Arthur challenged. "I'm the king! And this. Is. Camelot!" How he kicked Uther out the window, no one will ever know, because he was a ghost, and you shouldn't be able to kick ghosts. Of course, being a ghost, that meant that that wasn't the end of it, and Uther simply re-appeared behind him.

"You are obviously not fit to rule!" Uther declared, glaring at his son.

From the side, Merlyn commented, "Well, I agree with you there, but he's certainly a better king than you were."

"Shut up, Merlyn!"

"Hey!" Arthur grumbled, glaring right back at his father. "Only I'm allowed to call her that!"

"That's my name," Merlyn reminded him dryly.

"Yeah, but only I can put the inflection on the first syllable!"

Uther turned to Merlyn incredulously. She simply shrugged and said, "Welcome to my life."

That's when Mordred turned back on Arthur and grumbled, "You can't just hog her!"

"Oh my god…"

"I'm not hogging her, that's just my thing!"

"Hey guys," Merlyn spoke up. "There's plenty of Merlyn to go around!" And then her face bloomed bright red. "Uh, that sounded way wrong. Nevermind, neither of you can have any Merlyn!"

"This is ridiculous," Uther groaned. "I give up!" He noticed the Horn of Cathbhadh on the nearby table and picked it up, tossing it to Arthur ('cause he's a ghost who can pick things up now). "Please, just blow the blasted horn and let me return to my rest."

Arthur shrugged, blew it, then went back to arguing with Mordred. Merlyn sighed and decided to clean up all the things Uther had thrown at her while he was there. She really hated love triangles.

* * *

 **Whelp, that's chapter two! The title is taken from Pirates of the Caribbean (the ride, not the movies, because I'm pretty sure it's only sung on the ride, however the fifth movie** _ **is**_ **called Dead Men Tell No Tales, so I guess it could go either way). Anyway, next chapter features Merlyn getting injured by the Disir, and Arthur and Mordred racing to help her.**


	3. How to Save a Life

**This was my least favorite chapter, but I did some work on it and now I'm quite pleased with it! I hope you guys enjoy an entire chapter of Arthur's and Mordred's arguments and stupidity.**

* * *

 **How to Save a Life  
(Sacrifice and Coconuts and Arguments, Oh My!)**

Merlyn would like the record to state that she did not do this for Arthur. Well, she sort-of did it for Arthur, but it was more due to the fact that he's the king, the Once and Future King, and Merlyn has put in way too much time and effort into his ruling to just let him be killed by three old women trying to judge him. She did not do it for Mordred either, who, despite his hatred of Arthur, looked like he was about to jump in front of the staff himself. He probably thought it'd win him brownie points in his personal quest of 'Making Merlyn trust me.'

Of course, Merlyn was unconscious throughout the entire ordeal of her nearly dying, so she couldn't say any of this, but she was most certainly thinking it in those few seconds she had between noticing the threat and jumping in front of said threat. She just wanted to make it perfectly clear that saving one's life does not mean instant love and/or romance, because sometimes people give their lives for someone just because they're really good friends. Like siblings! Yeah, Merlyn jumped in front of the staff because Arthur is like the older brother she never had or really wanted.

Of course, she did leave behind a huge mess. Immediately after Merlyn heroically jumped in front of the Magic Staff of Doom, Mordred gave a dramatic, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" while Arthur caught her as she fell, and then also let out a dramatic, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" And then the two glared at each other, like the jealous idiots they were.

They rushed from the cave as fast as they could, Merlyn quickly losing consciousness. "I hate you all," she muttered before passing out, leaving five knights and a king to stare at her in shock, fear, and concern (please see thesaurus for other possible words).

"W-what do we do know?" Elyan was the first to speak. It was a very valid question. Merlyn was, after all, their physician, and none of them had any idea how to go on from here.

"Let me," Mordred answered, crouching beside her to inspect the injury. "Druids are natural healers," he explained to the question that no one actually asked.

Arthur glared at him, but his face softened when he looked down at Merlyn. Her face was pale and sweaty, and blood was quickly seeping from her wound. "Do whatever you can," he told him softly, kneeling on Merlyn's other side and taking her hand.

Mordred was annoyed, but he was more concerned in making sure Merlyn didn't die. Besides the fact that his heart could not bear it, there was also the fact that this was Emrys and he had no idea what the consequences were for letting the greatest sorcereress to ever live die. Destiny himself would probably come and give him a lecture about plans and the future and she was very important in all my plans of the future. And then he might just blast him from existence.

So, very carefully, Mordred cleaned and quickly wrapped the wound. Had he more time, he would have found herbs and boiled water and made poultices and did a lot of other mumbo-jumbo stuff and possibly even sneak some magic in, but as it were, they were sort of in a rush, so he bound the injury and then they were on their way.

Or they would've been on their way, if Mordred and Arthur would stop fighting over who Merlyn should ride with.

"I know the most about healing, she should ride with me!" Mordred was saying. He thought it made perfect sense, and indeed it was a good point.

Arthur scoffed. "We'll be on horses! You can't exactly do anything while we're on a horse. I can protect her better!" This was also a good point.

Mordred glared at him and grumbled, "I wouldn't be so sure about that."

"You questioning my skill?"

"Not with a blade." Of course, someone should've asked what that meant, because none of them could possibly know that Mordred had magic and if it came down to it, he probably was the one who could protect Merlyn the best. But, fortunately for him, no one bothered to question this because, apparently, no one questions anything in Camelot and Mordred and Arthur returned to their bickering. Were Merlyn awake, she would have groaned and told the pair to shut up. Unfortunately, she was in a state of deep, unending subconsciousness, and would not be waking up for the duration of this chapter.

After nearly twenty minutes of fighting, it was Gwaine who stepped in and shouted, "Alright! That's enough! The longer we waste here, the closer Merlyn gets to dying! So, she will ride with me-"

There was quite a bit of complaining.

"-and that will be the end of it!"

The rest of the knights were on Gwaine's side on this, so Arthur and Mordred grudgingly let him take the injured Merlyn and hoist her up into his saddle. The rest of the journey was spent with Leon making sure that the two didn't start another fight while Percival and Elyan played twenty questions. It was a long ride back to Camelot.

Gaius gave them the dreaded Eyebrows of Doom when they got back. Mordred, who had never before experienced such a terrifying sight, nearly fainted from fear. But Merlyn's health was more important, and he managed to keep himself upright. Still, that eyebrow would be in his nightmares (along with a dying Merlyn and his usual dream of getting attacked by a swarm of evil flies...he had weird dreams).

Arthur was the one who explained what happened. Personally, Mordred thought it was all his fault, since it was him who Merlyn was protecting. Arthur, in turn, decided it was all Mordred's fault, for the simple reason that he didn't like him. Leon thought it was those three old ladies' faults, but nobody had wanted to hear his opinion.

"I'm afraid there's magic in this wound," Gaius soon reported to Arthur. "There's nothing more I can do." One would think that the old physician might be a bit more desolate to deliver such news, especially since Merlyn was his ward and all, but he had long since stopped caring about anyone's welfare, since the whole lot of them were complete idiots (yes, that included Merlyn, she was simply less of an idiot than the others).

"Is there nothing you can do?" Arthur asked, feeling his entire being break into a thousand pieces.

"I literally just said there's nothing more I can do," Gaius answered dully, going back to mixing a potion of sheep's brain and hogwash. What was this potion for? Who knows! But it's got sheep's brain in it, so it's definitely a real thing.

Arthur went off to mope by himself, moaning about how he'll never love again and discovering that he's quite the poet when he's miserable. That's where Mordred found him. He would've made fun, but he had already written three songs about his own sorrow, so he wasn't really one to talk.

"What do you want?" Arthur muttered dejectedly, staring off into the gloom (otherwise known as the third corridor on the left).

"I want to save Merlyn," was his answer.

"I do too," he replied. "Except for the small problem that her wound is filled with magic that no one can heal!"

"No one, save for the ones who caused it," Mordred informed him.

"The Disir," Arthur whispered.

"Indeed. I think it might be her only chance."

They went to Gaius, just to be sure, who said, "Hm, I think it might work. I mean, there's no telling that they'll bother listening to you- but it does hold merit." He stroked his chin in deep thought, and continued, "To do this will be no easy task. The two of you must work together if you ever hope to see Merlyn alive again."

"Um...why?" Arthur felt the need to ask. "All we're doing is asking the Disir to save Merlyn. How does that take two people?"

"Because, this story needs a moral. Now shoo! Go off and have a grand adventure and learn something for a change!" Gaius waved them out the door, sighing at the peace and quiet for once. With Merlyn in a coma, there was no one to bother him while he ground these frogs into a paste!

Arthur and Mordred were saddled up and ready in minutes. They rode off into the night (a bit past midday, actually) without even telling anyone where they were going, or that they were leaving at all. Nobody even knew the pair were gone until Gwen told the knights that she saw them leave the day before.

The long, treacherous journey of riding on horses for three hours was filled with much bickering, as per usual. This time, they were arguing over the strength of a swallow, and if one could, conceivably, carry a coconut from it indigenous tropical areas to their more temperate lands. Their discussion (very heated argument) was cut short when they finally found themselves back at the Cave of Wonders.

Arthur, having learned his lesson from the last time they were here, somberly drew his blade and set it down. Mordred copied, mentally making a snarky comment about how now he listens to Merlyn. He would've said it aloud, but this was sacred ground. He didn't want to piss any ancient spirits off. Inside, the Disir were still as creepy as ever.

"Arthur Pendragon-"

"-King of Camelot-'

"We have been expecting you."

Well that didn't sound sinister at all.

Arthur took a deep breath before speaking. "My men and I behaved with arrogance and stupidity. We dishonoured this place and insulted your faith. I humbly beg your forgiveness-"

"Wow," Mordred murmured. "I bet that hurt to say."

"-Shut up. One amongst us, my faithful servant Merlyn-" and here, Arthur saddened. Mordred mentally swapped 'faithful' for 'beloved' and gave an angry frown. "-may yet pay the ultimate price. I have come here to petition you for her life."

"Why should we help you?" the far left Disir scorned. Let's call her Sue.

"You have rejected our ways-" the middle one added. She'll be Mary.

"-and burned our kind," the left one finished. And we'll just call her Bethany Florence Antoinette Louisa Elswood. The third.

"She has done nothing wrong," Arthur urged. "Her only crime was to protect me, and she does not deserve death."

"She's also Emrys!" Mordred added helpfully, telepathically of course.

"Please, you must spare her," Arthur begged.

"You have to let her live!"

Both of them had pleading looks on their faces, staring at the Disir with pained, but hopeful eyes. "I'll do anything," they both said, one aloud, the other with his mind.

For a moment, the Disir were silent. Then, Sue muttered, "Oh my-

"-I don't know whether to laugh or cry-" Mary added.

"-They're lovesick puppies!" Bethany Florence Antoinette Louisa Elswood lll agreed.

And then they were gossiping like the old women they truly were, muttering about 'Team Arthur' and 'Team Mordred' and giggling amongst themselves. Things such as 'Emrys,' and 'destiny,' and 'Once and Future King' were also thrown around, although only Mordred understand what that meant. "But they're two sides of the same coin!" Sue shrieked, glaring at Mary.

"Um," Arthur eventually spoke up. "Excuse me?"

"Oh, right, right," Bethany Florence Antoinette Louisa Elswood lll said, waving her hand dismissively. "Alright, it's real simple: unban magic from Camelot, and your girlfriend won't die! You have until dawn to decide. Now shoo!" She waved them away and then returned to her chattering. A little dumbstruck, Arthur and Mordred left the cave.

The pair stared at the fire they had made, contemplating what the Disir told them. After a time, Mordred lifted his head and said, "That...that was weird."

"Ditto," Arthur agreed.

There was silence again, Mordred wanted to approach the issue, but not sure how. Eventually, Arthur spoke again. "Magic isn't all evil, is it?"

Mordred didn't even hesitate. "Nope."

"Good enough for me!" The next morning, Arthur cheerily agreed with the Disir to unban magic, and then the two were off on their merry way.

"I guess Gaius was right," Arthur said once they were back on their horses and returning home. "We did have to work together to save Merlyn."

"Literally the only thing you did that could remotely constitute as 'working together' was you listening to me when you asked about magic," he replied dryly.

"Hush, hush, Mordred. There's a moral here. We've got a bromance now."

Mordred rolled his eyes. "Fine. If you say so." If nothing else, it was nice to not fight and argue every second of the day. So, the two rode in peace, both feeling satisfied that they saved the girl they loved. Until Mordred decided to say, "You know, an African swallow could carry a coconut all the way here."

Suddenly, the peace was shattered. Arthur whirled on the younger knight and shouted, "African swallows aren't migratory!" And so the fighting commenced.

They fought and bickered all the way back, and when they finally returned to Camelot, it was to find Merlyn telling anyone who would listen embarrassing stories about Arthur and Mordred.

"Unbelievable," Arthur snorted.

"Completely ungrateful," Mordred agreed. But, hey, at least magic was no longer banned!

* * *

 **You know, I actually really liked Mordred's character, and I'm upset he wasn't in season 5 more. On a completely unrelated note, if you did not understand the whole thing with the swallows and coconuts then I consider you uncultured swine and no longer wish to speak to you...I'm just kidding! But seriously though, go watch Monty Python. Next up: Merlyn and Mordred struggle to tell Arthur they have magic, and Arthur gets the wrong idea!**


	4. Worst Case Scenario

**I just reread and edited this thing and I cannot remember where I got the idea for something this stupid.**

* * *

 **Worst Case Scenario**

Mordred was sweating profusely. He couldn't stop his hands from shaking, and his breath was coming out in agitated pants. Beneath his shirt, he could feel the hard, steady thrum of his heart beating in his chest, pulsing in his ears. He felt a bit dizzy. Lightheaded. And his eyes wouldn't stop watering. In short: he was nervous. Really, really nervous. Of course, he always knew this day would come. He'd dreamed of it, imagining how it would happen, when it would happen, hoping for it with every fiber of his being. But now that it was actually here, he wasn't so sure he wanted to go through with it.

Merlyn, on the other hand, was as cheerful as they come. Life was just about as perfect as it could be right now. Sure, the past few weeks had been rough, between evil fathers coming back from the dead, the biggest idiots in the world fighting over her, and almost dying via angered triple goddess. But now? Well, now things were great! Okay, so Arthur and Mordred were still sending death threats to each other, and they still wouldn't listen to her when she told them she just wasn't interested, but magic was unbanned! It had finally happened! All those years of hard, dedicated work were finally paying off. And now, there was only one thing left to do.

Of course, Merlyn was dragging Mordred along on this venture. He needed to tell Arthur just as much as she, and she wasn't letting him get out of it. There was also the fact that if they told him at the same time, he'd be more likely to get mad at Mordred rather than her, and since they already hated each other anyway, Merlyn considered it a win-win situation.

Mordred did not share this sentiment.

It was on their way to find the king that Mordred spoke up, his voice a whole octave higher than normal. "On second thought," he said, "maybe this isn't such a good idea."

"Oh, I never said anything about this being a good idea," Merlyn answered. "But, it's something we need to do." Secretly, she actually thought this was a terrible idea. But a lot of her ideas in the past had been terrible and look how well those worked out! Honestly, in her experience, the terrible ideas always work out the best, so really, this was as good idea as any.

"But why?" Mordred moaned. "Why does Arthur need to know? We've kept it secret this long!"

"We can't just keep pretending!" Merlyn hissed back. "Look, Arthur deserves to know the truth about us, and this is the best time to do so if there ever was one."

Mordred, still whimpering, was about to say something else. But Arthur, who had been eavesdropping on the conversation (because of course he was, as he often took to eavesdropping on his servant and knight whenever the two were alone together), took this moment to barge in on the two, startling them from their otherwise pleasant walk down the corridor. Well, it was pleasant for Merlyn. Mordred looked ready to faint at any moment.

"Oh, hello Arthur," Merlyn chirped with a grin at Arthur's arrival, seemingly not noticing how red and angry his face was. "We were just looking for you!"

"Yes, because apparently there's something you two want to tell me!" he growled, glaring daggers at Mordred. For his part, all he could think was what Merlyn said, 'Arthur deserves to know the truth about us!' and, of course, jumped to the worst possible conclusion he could.

Mordred gave an undignified "Eep!" and hid behind Merlyn (which he will later deny). "See, he already knows! Let's just run away now and move to China!" Arthur couldn't find them in China...he hoped.

"Oh, so now you two are running away together!" Arthur roared, whirling on Merlyn. "What about us?" he demanded. "All these years to be thrown away, just like that? Were you even planning on saying goodbye?" Sure, there wasn't actually an 'us' for Arthur to be referring to, but he still felt he made a valid point.

Merlyn frowned, because this whole thing was confusing her. "I don't think we're on the same page here-"

"See! I told you this wasn't a good idea! He's too betrayed and angry to just let us be who we are!" Mordred cut in. He glared at Arthur and said, "Why can't you just leave us be? I thought you had changed! But it's clear that your hatred is too strong to accept us!"

"I'm pretty sure we're talking about two different things-"

"This is all your fault!" Arthur accused, trying to face Mordred directly, but he kept shifting around Merlyn, keeping her in the way. "If it weren't for you, this never would of happened! You, you...you corrupted her!"

"How dare you!" Mordred roared right back, finally stepping around Merlyn to stand on his own. "I didn't corrupt anyone! And besides, it's not like she even had any choice in the matter!" Mordred thought he was making a valid point -Merlyn shouldn't be blamed for something she had no control over!- but he failed to take into account the fact that Arthur didn't actually know what he was talking about.

Now, if Arthur was angry before, then I have no idea how to even describe the emotion that flashed through him next. Just that it was fiery and red, the purest form of absolute fury combined with hatred to ever be seen. "You coerced her?!" His face was approximately the color of a tomato, entire body shaking with his rage at the thought of Mordred forcing himself upon his dear, innocent servant (not that Mordred could do any such thing, Merlyn would tear him to shreds if he tried).

"Guys," Merlyn spoke up, hoping to defuse the situation. "I am 86% sure we are not thinking the same thing here-"

She didn't get to finish, because in the next moment, Arthur had launched himself at Mordred, and the pair were fighting. Again. Except this time, it was...well, the last time was deadly too, but now there was unbridled hatred in the air, so intense that Merlyn thought that actual smoke might be coming from their ears. Last time, they were only ready to kill each other. Now, however, they were probably ready to kill each other, their families, their neighbors, and their pet dog. It was...not good.

"You've turned her against me!" Arthur cried, punching and kicking and swearing and cursing and a lot of other angry sounding verbs ending in 'i-n-g.'

"You have done that yourself!" Mordred shot back in return, sporting a bloody nose, a black eye, and what looked like a dislocated shoulder. In hand-to-hand combat, Arthur was definitely the better fighter.

That's not to say Mordred didn't get any punches in. Oh no, Arthur himself was missing a chunk of his hair and his nose was definitely pointing the wrong way. Merlyn was hopelessly shouting at the pair, trying to get them to stop, but they just. Weren't. Listening. It was making her very upset, because if Arthur killed Mordred, then he'd destroy any chance he had at making peace with the Druids. And if Mordred killed Arthur...well, that was self explanatory (once upon a time, she might've also been concerned for their actual safety, but now she just wanted to make sure they didn't start a war or something).

Eventually, the pair fought and yelled their way to the stairway, still spitting curses at each other, and Merlyn still screeching at them to stop. Arthur managed to kick Mordred back and scramble up the first five steps, panting heavily as he glared at the younger boy. "It's over Mordred," he taunted. "I have the high ground."

"You underestimate my power!" Mordred growled right back, magic building up inside of him, ready to strike-

"That's enough!" Both Arthur and Mordred stumbled back at Merlyn's scream, momentarily stunning them and allowing her to step in between them. "I am sick and tired of all this fighting!" she grumbled. She whirled on Arthur and shouted, "You! Get down here this instant!"

Looking rightly afraid, Arthur hurried down the steps to stand before her, head low and foot scuffing the floor nervously. Mordred wasn't much better, scratching the back of his head and looking anywhere but her. Honestly, why did she put up with these morons?

"Okay," Merlyn huffed, taking a deep breath of air. "First things first: you two are, by far, the absolutely worst people I've ever known! Just absolutely dreadful! Idiotic, big-headed, prattish, obnoxious, completely oblivious, narcissist, no sense of self-control...I could go on!" She backed up so that she could glare at both of them at once, eyes darting between the two as shame bloomed on their faces. "And that's not even the worst part! No, the worst part is that you guys aren't even fighting over the same thing!"

Arthur and Mordred both looked up in surprise. "What?"

Merlyn sighed and rubbed her temples, hoping to soothe the throbbing headache was starting to grow behind her eyes. "You!" she accused, turning to Arthur, "jumped to conclusions without first getting all the facts, and you!" she turned on Mordred, "automatically assumed the worst without checking to see if you were right!"

"...I don't get it," Mordred said after a moment.

Another sigh. Gods, sometimes Merlyn really hated her life. "Due to unfortunate wording on both our parts, Arthur got the wrong idea about what we wanted to tell him, and what you said after certainly didn't help." She shook her head and looked up, as if to ask the dull, beige ceiling 'Why me?' Returning her attention to the now confused boys (not men, they lost their right to being men after they tried to kill each other with spoons last week), Merlyn said, very slowly, "Alright. Listen carefully. Mordred, Arthur wasn't unaccepting of us. He just thought that we were going to tell him we were together. Which makes it understandable why he got so mad when you told him I didn't have a choice...anyway, Arthur, the thing that we were going to tell you wasn't that we're in a relationship, but that we have magic."

Arthur blinked. "Oh," he muttered. "I see." Slowly, he turned to Mordred, who was back to being a nervous wreck (crisis of possibly dying by Arthur's hand averted, there was now the crisis of possibly dying by Arthur's hand). "So...you're not dating Merlyn then?"

Merlyn, completely beyond her frustrations, threw her hands into the hair. "Oh for the love of- that's what you got out of that? That Mordred and I aren't together? What about the magic bit, huh? Or did you just not hear that part!" She walked away from them, angry and upset and very ready for a hot bath and a long venting session with Gwen. And a glass of wine. Hey, it was five o'clock somewhere!

Back in the corridor, Arthur turned to Mordred and said, "Well, I guess it's good that I don't have to kill you anymore."

"Heh, heh, right," Mordred squeaked, just glad that Arthur wasn't yelling at him or killing him or kicking him out of Camelot for having magic and not telling him about said magic (but, honestly, he knew he was a Druid, and he knew that he was apprenticed to a magic-user so it's really his fault for not figuring it out sooner).

The next morning, Arthur woke up with donkey ears and Mordred could only speak in rhyme.

* * *

 **Did you catch the Star Wars reference? It's okay if you didn't it's from the prequels and those are terrible. Up next: Kara's here and nobody cares.**


	5. Kill the King, Forget the Princess

**I really have no idea what happened with this chapter.**

 **Oh, and my title was cut off on the chapter list (it was too long) so the full title is below.**

* * *

 **Kill the King, Forget the Princess, and Grab the Beer**

Magic was no longer a crime in Camelot. Unfortunately, trying to kill the king is. Why these comparisons were made, I'm not sure, because Kara doesn't even have magic...she just tried to kill the king. Granted...actually, there is no granted, she just tried to kill the king and has so far shown no remorse for it. She tried getting Mordred to side with her (long lost lovers?) but obviously whatever they used to have was nothing more than a brief fling and despite the fact that killing the king would solve all of his love problems (not really), Mordred was oddly not interested. It could be he was simply too busy _arguing_ with the king to kill him. Or maybe he knew that if he killed the king, then Merlyn _really_ would never love him (not that he had any chance now). Point is, he wasn't trying to kill the king. And Kara was in prison. Have I mentioned killing the king?

I was trying to say something, I swear.

Okay, so Mordred is _not_ trying to kill the king. And Kara is currently in the dungeons glaring at anything that moved. And Merlyn was breaking up yet another fight between Mordred and said king.

Yeah, that's pretty much it. Have a good day, folks.

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Maybe the writer is being clever, maybe she's being lazy. The point of the matter is that Kara's appearance in Camelot was so overlooked that there really is nothing else to say about it. She came. She saw. She didn't so much as conquer, but more get thrown into the dungeons where she was forgotten about. Merlyn visited her once (she told her that if she could get Mordred to stop harassing her, not only would she help her escape, but she'd personally escort her back to Morgana's evil lair (and possibly stay full-time, since she was beginning to see the merits in the witch's campaign, despite how crazy she is) and reveal the identity of Emrys). Kara liked this idea, but, unfortunately, she had no opportunity to make Mordred fall in love with her again because he never once took the time to come see her. In fact, Merlyn wasn't even sure he knew she was there. She wasn't even sure _Arthur_ knew she was there.

And so, life went on as normal.

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It should be noted that Kara did, in fact, escape on her own, without Merlyn's help. But, after having her heart broken in the worst way possible, she wasn't really up to returning to being evil with a crazy, psycho witch, and instead moved to Ireland where she met a nice man named Gregor. After a while, they settled down and had a daughter who Kara named Emerlyn (Merlyn for short) after the only destiny-damned person in the whole of Camelot who actually remembered she existed. She and Gregor started a brewery together, and it wasn't long before their business took off, and hundreds of years later, it has now become one of the largest in the world. Ever heard of Guinness?

So, yeah, Kara did good for herself (but it's not like anyone actually cares, because they're all focused on the whole Arthur vs. Mordred thing going on).

* * *

 **I'm not sure how I got from killing the king to alcohol, but I did. Next chapter is the final showdown. We've got Morgana, more fighting between Arthur and Mordred, and Merlyn finally snapping. It's time for her to choose...but who will she pick?**


	6. The Final Countdown

**This is it, the very end of this wild story. It was fun. I had fun, at least. I've grown quite attached to my female Merlin. She's got some spunk.**

* * *

 **The Final Countdown  
(to Merlyn's decision)**

This was it. The final day. The day where destinies would be broken, and fate be decided. The armies of Camelot and its enemies had gathered at Camlann, and Morgana had only one thing to say...

"How the hell did Mordred get my army of Saxons to follow him?!"

It was true. For Arthur would not be facing his evil psychotic half-sister, but rather, Mordred, the boy playing at being a man, trying to steal his woman. (Who at this point had broken down into frustrated tears, screamed at the lot of them, and joined Morgana on the sidelines. Girls gotta stick together, man)

On the side of Camelot, most of the knights weren't even paying attention. Elyan and Gwaine were taking bets on who would win in a fight: Gwen and her silver jug, or Gaius with his Eyebrow of Doom. Leon and Percival were having a deep, philosophical discussion about the judgement of wearing leather (how much was too much, and is it even acceptable at all?), and all the other, nameless, faceless dudes were circulating between getting drunk, taking naps, and gambling away all their life's savings.

The Saxons weren't much better. A lot of them were wondering why they were following some random kid who still had baby fat, and those that weren't were wondering if they left the stove on. Many had dissolved into arguing over the merits of working for a powerful, intimidating, but ultimately psycho and will probably kill them if they mess up sorceress, versus a small, not-yet-of-age boy who was kind of pathetic looking, but at least he wouldn't kill them if they didn't bring him the correct number of tarts. A few of the logical ones were questioning why they were even following these people in the first place, and defected from the army along with several of Camelot's knights to move to Ireland and get drunk (Kara offered a discount to anybody who also hated Arthur and/or Morgana and/or Mordred).

Meanwhile, Arthur and Mordred were shouting insults at each other over the battlefield (where no actual battle was taking place).

"You're nothing but a petulant, pathetic child who's barely out of diapers!" Arthur called, feeling quite proud of himself for using big words such as 'petulant' and 'pathetic' and 'of.'

Mordred, knowing he must defend his honor, shouted back, "I know you are but what am I!"

"Oh my god…" (The response from Gwen, who has joined Merlyn and Morgana on the sidelines to repeatedly smack their hands to their foreheads in frustration and utter disbelief)

"So this is what's been happening in Camelot while I was plotting?" Morgana asked, not sure if she should laugh or cry or just smite them all now.

"Pretty much," Merlyn answered, popping the 'P' and drawling the 'much' (my docs say that 'drawling' isn't a word, and wonders if I mean 'drawing,' but no, I mean drawling).

"And you're trying to protect these idiots...why?"

"I honestly don't know anymore." Merlyn had a sad, defeated look on her face as she said, "I've given up on life. I just don't care anymore. Kill them Morgana. Kill them all. I just might help you. You, me, and Gwen will create an empire ruled by women, and Gwaine, Leon, Percival, and Elyan will be our consorts, and we'll never have to listen to Mordred and Arthur argue again."

"Amen to that," Gwen sighed dreamily. "Can you bring Lancelot back to life? If not, then I call dibs on Gwaine."

"No way, I've got Gwaine," Merlyn glared at her. "You can have Leon."

"No, I want Leon!" Morgana grumbled at her.

"Well, then that just leaves me with Percival!" Gwen complained, glancing over at the large knight. "Actually," she mused as she looked him over. "Percival's fine."

"What do we do with Elyan then?"

"Wait, he's still alive?"

"Yeah, Gwen never married Arthur in this universe, which means no Taking the Queen to Isengard, which means no dead Elyan," Merlyn explained.

"Right, right…"

"We'll just leave him then," Gwen decided. "Everyone forgets him anyway. I mean, he's my own brother and I kind of forgot he existed."

The other two women hummed their agreement as Mordred and Arthur continued their bickering. It was getting pretty heated. They'd finished with the 'you're so fat' jokes and had moved on to 'your momma.' This section was particularly cruel, considering neither of them had a mother (I'm just assuming Mordred has no mom, 'cause if he did then she would've totally scolded him for joining the evil, psychotic witch). Anyway, after every joke (completely pathetic and pre-school level), both boys would break down into tears, share a 'manly' hug, and moan about their lost mommys. It was extremely entertaining, if a little sad to watch.

"Life would've been so much easier if I were just born a man," Merlyn sighed dramatically. "Then Arthur could've married Gwen, and Mordred could've married Kara (or, y'know, go on an insane quest of revenge when Arthur executes her for a completely valid reason and complete the self-fulfilling prophecy of him being evil with Morgana), and then I could've, I dunno, married Mithian or something."

"Why Mithian?" Gwen asked.

"'Cause Freya's dead, you're taken, and Morgana's evil."

"I'm not taken…"

Merlyn rolled her eyes. "Weren't you listening? If I were born a man, you'd be with Arthur. So, taken."

Gwen frowned. "How 'bout we just bring Lancelot back from the dead?"

"Alright, fine," Merlyn grumbled. "I'll call up the Winchesters…"

They were interrupted when Arthur suddenly came crashing down only a few feet away. "See!" Mordred called triumphantly, hand still raised and eyes fading from gold to their normal blue. "We both have magic! We belong together!"

"Like hell you do!" Arthur roared right back, jumping to his feet and growling, "Our relationship has been growing for years! I'm her king, and she is my queen!"

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me…"

"She's mine!" Mordred yelled.

"No, she's mine!" Arthur shouted in return.

Merlyn was about to interfere, when the last person she'd thought would help suddenly stepped up. "That's enough, both of you!" Morgana yelled, glaring at the two of them. "Merlyn doesn't belong to anyone! She's her own person, and she can decide for herself who she wants to be with! You stupid, sexist pigs!" she added, almost as an afterthought, but it definitely needed saying.

"Morgana, I'm officially on your team," Merlyn said once she had stepped back. The witch smirked and nodded, already planning the new race of Amazons to overrun Camelot.

Arthur and Mordred, meanwhile, were staring at her in shock, mouths hanging open as comprehension suddenly dawned on their faces. "You...you're right," Arthur finally whispered.

"Merlyn should choose," Mordred confirmed, a solemn look coming over him.

Merlyn's eyes widened to the size of saucers. She whirled on Morgana, demanding, "How did you do that? I've been trying to tell them that for months!"

Morgana smirked (again) and answered, "You just have to have the right charm." She winked at the other girl, then nodded for her to turn around; Arthur and Mordred were standing before her.

"Merlyn," Arthur stated, voice clear and strong. "Mordred and I have been...less than mature these past few months-"

"That's an understatement," Gwen muttered under her breath.

"-but enough is enough."

"Yeah," Mordred agreed. "It's time you stopped stringing us along, and finally chose."

Merlyn's jaw fell open. "Excuse me?!" she shrieked, giving them her evillest, most terrifying glare. "It's time I stopped 'stringing you along?' Stringing you along?!" She shook her head, equal parts furious and incredulous that these two morons could be so unbelievably stupid! "Screw you!" she screamed at them. "Screw you both! I have had it up to the high heavens with the two of you! Never in my life have I met anyone as horrible, as helpless, as absolutely idiotic as you guys! You guys are terrible! Selfish! Indescribably obnoxious! Uncaring, inconsiderate, thoughtless, stupid! Actually, no. To call you guys stupid would be an insult to stupid people! I've known sheep that could outwit you! It gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level! Not to mention that you both are complete asses! Seriously, it's King Prat and Prat Jr. with you two! You make Agravaine look like an all-around nice guy! Joffrey Lannister probably takes lessons from you guys, on how to be a bigger asshole! Compared to you two, Umbridge looks like a saint!

"And that's not even including the fact that I'm just. Not. Interested! You guys are worse stalkers than that guy from Fifty Shades of Grey. It's like you guys took love advice from Anakin and decided that creepy one-liners and quotes about sand would work! You probably thought Twilight was an instruction manual on 'How to Woo a Girl: The Love Triangle edition.' You guys are like Mr. Collins from Pride and Prejudice, except there's two of you and he at least was able to take a hint after the fourth or fifth repeat. In the few months we've all been together, you both have demonstrated every loathsome characteristic of the male personality and even discovered a few new ones. You are intellectually retarded, morally reprehensible, vulgar, insensitive, selfish, stupid, you have no taste, a lousy sense of humor and you smell. You two are not even interesting enough to make me sick!"

Merlyn took a deep breath, red in the face but feeling much better than she was just a few minutes ago. "And to top it all off," she continued, "You two dare suggest that I've been 'stringing you along!' I told you both from the very beginning that I'm not interested, and have repeated this statement several times! I've shouted it till I was blue in the face, yet still it refused to register in your thick skulls that you. Have. Been. Rejected! I was, at first, trying to spare your guys' feelings, but now I just don't care. So, since it seems I have no other options left, I will choose. And to hell with your feelings!" With that, she stomped right up to them, shoved them aside, and marched her way over to the knights. Before anyone had a chance to respond, she had Gwaine by the collar of his tunic and yanked him down for a kiss. "I choose Gwaine, you jerks!" she shouted, looping her arm through a very pleased and slightly dazed looking knight.

"But," Arthur bemoaned. "What about you and me?"

"And you and me?" Mordred added.

Merlyn gave them one final glare before replying, "Frankly my dears, I don't give a damn!" With that, she marched away, pulling her knight with her. "C'mon, ladies!" she shouted, and Morgana and Gwen raced after her, each picking a knight of their own (Morgana decided to take Elyan along as well, since it'd be rude to leave him behind). And then they were gone.

Arthur and Mordred, overcome with their grief of rejection, decided to take their sorrows out on each other, and both ended up dealing a mortal blow to the other. There they died, the sting of heartbreak in their throats, on the fields of Camlann. And so it was foretold.

 _The End_

* * *

 **Well, that's it! The end of** _ **The Love Triangle of Death.**_ **I'll be honest, I wasn't planning on killing off Arthur and Mordred, but the whole bit with Gwaine was always planned. I really enjoyed this chapter...**

 **Most of the insults were my own, but I did borrow from** _ **A Fish Named Wanda, Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy,**_ **and the bit at the end was from** _ **The Witches of Eastwick,**_ **slightly altered to fit the setting. And for those of you who have been living under a rock, I referenced (in order) Lord of the Rings, Supernatural, Game of Thrones, Harry Potter, Fifty Shades of Grey, Star Wars, Twilight, Pride and Prejudice, and Gone with the Wind.**


End file.
